Of Spiritual Signs.

There was a time when I was intrigued and enticed by the idea that a "omnipotent" power, or un seen, guiding, "good" force, was trying to communicate with me the “answer”; before that I found myself begging for it - some sort of sign to guide me on the “best” direction; a manifestation of the idea I had grown up hearing, of some good energy that could be watching over me. After “discovering” and then acknowledging an energy, the noise was such that to simply follow through on any impulses or determined desire, a decision, was a moment to moment battle - everything questioned. I was being forced to weigh the possible outcomes and results of every minor decision. My future and reality was something I had to meticulously consider, investigate, probe, and break down - no mater how much suffering it took - I was being forced to be responsible for my decisions.

I am berated by a whip that there are signs that must now be given attention too. I cant help now but feel like I must pay attention to my inner interpretation of every sign, as it has some critical purpose.

An energy that tells me my own immediate impulses are (all) “wrong” and that the universe is conspiring to goad me into a “bEtTer Way”. 

Now, it is a sentient energy that harasses me. Like god is seeking a retribution, for the indecisiveness I once had. The energy perpetually haunts me for the evocation of inevitable suffering we all must engineer; so I write this message. 

This energy castrates me of my inocent freedom and the capacity to learn from spontaneous faleure, to also think for myself, to solve my own problems, the existance of a chaotic independence - to experience oblivious, random, failures.

It works hard to keep me dependent on “something”. To control me to no end but for really, a universe prerogative. And now I give it the attention it, steals, craves and depends on.

If this, dog shit god, can time reality to make an uncanny sign, it can also control reality to make or break my day. 

None of it is a “good” beyond that it is testing my fortitude. Wasting my time with it’s shit.

All, when simply making a decision and doing it would be faster, it would be just as fine, less painful and just as ultimately pointless.