Of Spiritual Signs.
If a power had the ability to send you a sign, it has the power to make your worries disappear with concrete results.
There was a time when I was intrigued and enticed by the idea that an "omnipotent" power, or unseen, guiding, "good" force, was trying to communicate with me the “answer”; before that I found myself begging for it—some sort of sign to guide me in the “best” direction, a manifestation of the idea I had grown up hearing, of some "good" energy that could be watching over me; this is just a comfort for an anxious mind.
After acknowledging that there are spiritual energies, a noise was such that to simply follow through on any impulses or determined desire, a decision, was a moment-to-moment battle—everything I wanted to do became questioned as a life-or-death choice. The pain of a need for certainty, to reach perfection, became the outcome of all the youthful religious rhetoric.
I was being forced to weigh the possible outcomes and results of every minor decision. My future and reality were something I had to meticulously consider, investigate, probe, and break down—no matter how much suffering it took—I was being forced to be responsible for every minor decision.
Pain is the cost of life, regardless of the outcome chosen. Responsibility seems the underlying reason.
But I am berated by a whip that there are signs that must now be given attention too. I can't help now but feel like I must pay attention to my inner interpretation of every sign, as it has some critical purpose.
There are spiritual energies, and one energy tells me my own immediate impulses are (all) "wrong," and this energy makes me think the universe is conspiring to goad me into a “bEtTer WaY."
It is a sentient energy that harasses me. Like God is seeking a tax for the indecisiveness I once had, a retribution. The energy haunts me for the evocation of inevitable suffering we all must take the responsibility to engineer.
This energy can castrate me of my freedom and the capacity to learn from spontaneous failure, to feel agency of myself, to solve my own problems, and the existence of a chaotic independence—to experience random failures.
It works to make me dependent on "something." To control me to no end but for a prerogative.
If this god can time reality to make an uncanny sign, time really to put it where I am able and suited to handle it, and they can, they can also control reality to make or break any choice, any day.
My life is at times a struggle, characterized by an anxiety that forces attention to every minor noise or other sensory stimulus, as if it has a far-reaching implication. I am tested and goaded and lose myself in what feels like the demands of another, large will or power.
None of it seems "good" beyond that it is testing my fortitude. My true priorities. My discipline. Wasting my time with its shit.
All, when simply making a decision and doing it would be faster, it would be just as fine, ultimately, as unquestionably pointless in the long run, I'm sure.
The gods will give you access to where you can handle things (where you are meant to be is your choice) in a situation you can handle, and they don't speak to you through signs, which is fear; it speaks through your soul, and you won't be able to mistake it, run from it, delude yourself, or self-delude about what is right and real, as you will suffer if you are wrong and feel empowered if you do right.
